When Kids Fight With Their Friends
What Parents Should, Shouldn’t Do When Children’s Friendships Flare
Your son isn’t a bully, but it bothers you when he gets mad and refuses to share his toys with his buddy.
Your daughter is normally kind and friendly, but you’re shocked to hear her on the phone spreading gossip about a girl you thought was her best friend.
Normal kids have fights, spats and just plain bad spots in their friendships. As a loving parent, your first instincts may be to step in and smooth everything out. While there are things you can do to minimize the fighting, it's important to allow your children to solve their own problems, so they can learn to solve bigger disputes in the future.
Accept that occasional fights between children are normal. Even the best friendships often don’t last forever. If your child is not being rude or unkind and just wants to phase out a friendship, let him make that decision. Don’t feel obligated to save the friendship. Some kids just don’t synch with one another. Let your child move on to other friends.
Don’t encourage a friendship just because you like the child’s mother and father. Sure, it’s an ideal situation when your best friend’s child is your child’s best friend, too. But if the child-to-child friendship isn’t strong on its own, it shouldn’t be overly pushed by any parent.
Some situations simply lend themselves to spats among friends. As a parent you can help your child avoid these situations. If you initiate a play date, keep it to one friend at a time. Especially early on in the friendship, three can be not only a crowd, but a point of contention among friends. In a group of three or more, someone may feel he’s being left out, and he’ll magnify things that the two other children have in common.
Be sure to provide enough toys for all the children to share easily. Karen Stephens, child care instructor at Illinois State University, writes in Child Care Exchange: “When you invite children over to play with your child, provide enough toys to share easily; too few fuels conflict. If tug-of-wars do erupt, be on hand to help children problem solve. That may mean breaking a crayon in half to share or finding a new way to play the same game.”
Solve and move on. When young children have fights, they normally don’t last long. Step in and help the children solve the problem by introducing something new (“Hey, is it time for ice cream?”), and watch how quickly the children forget about the spat.
Cat fights happen. As girls enter the tween years, they can gain and lose best friends almost daily. If your child is snubbed or treated badly by a “BFF” talk to her about it. Discourage her from “getting back” at her friend, or saying or doing something she’ll regret later.
It’s My Life, a PBS kids’ Web site, suggests parents ask their children to examine the fight as a way to understand it better. Try to determine how it all started and what was done to make it worse. Encourage her to talk face-to-face with her friend to resolve the conflict.
Set a good example. Do your children see you arguing with your spouse, siblings, friends and other adults? If you want your children to treat their peers with manners and respect, you can do more by example than telling them.
Let them learn peacemaking skills. You can help your child avoid fights and solve them, but don’t always step in and do it all for them.
Parenting expert and author Michael Grose says children sometimes need parental help to resolve their disputes.
“When children want you to intervene in their disagreements, let them know that you are willing to help them work out a solution, but avoid taking sides.” He suggests you find out what the fight is about, rather than who started it, and offer suggestions to resolve the issue.
“Of course, you cannot sit down and work through every issue with kids, but through meetings or discussions you can at least give them some guidelines that they may use themselves,” Grose says on his Web site.
