When a Child Answers Back
Parenting Tips to Manage Children who Always Want the Last Word
Dec 16, 2008
Some children just have to have the last word and don’t seem to have the ability to talk politely to their parents. Let it pass and parents risk having little children who grow up to be rude and rebellious adolescents, say Eleanor and Linda Siegel, authors of Keys to Disciplining your Young Child [USA: Barron’s Educational Series, 1993].
“When toddlers behave rudely and they are not called on it, they continue to behave this way as older children and then as teenagers – and it becomes decidedly unattractive,” they write. And it’s up to the parents to help the children to understand that their conduct is inappropriate. Here is some parenting help for those with children who consistently answer back.
Refrain from Reacting Angrily
Yes, it hurts to hear insults and rude words coming out from your own child’s mouth. But sometimes children do feel angry about something and take it out on their parents. Try not to take it personally. Tell the child that you dislike the behavior and the hurtful things she says but that she is always loved in the family no matter what.
A child who observes such positive and non-confrontational reaction from her parents even when she answers back rudely will eventually get the idea that rude responses aren’t the way.
Teach Children about Appropriate Words
Many young children have no real understanding of what rude and hurtful remarks are and also have not learnt to control what they say. Therefore, the Siegels suggest that parents help children learn when remarks are appropriate and when they are not. Clearly state why they are not appropriate – for instance, they are not nice words and they hurt Mummy’s feelings. Children often respond well to explanations.
Hold the Child when Giving Explanation
When explaining to a child older than three about not giving rude retorts, hold her as you talk to her. “Holding conveys the idea that setting rules and love are equivalent ideas,” say the Siegels.
Time-Out for Answering Back
Sometimes, a little quiet time to reflect on her rude retorts and action can help a child change her attitude. So when a child answers back, firmly tell her to go to her room to think of how she may have hurt her parents’ feelings. Make it clear that an apology from her is expected.
Ignore the Last Word
Children also answer back rudely to aggravate their parents. Don’t raise to the bait, Dr. Brent Waters and Liz Kennedy, authors of Every Kid – Parenting your Five to Twelve Year Old [Australia: Doubleday, 2001] advise. The rude remarks are likely to stop because there is no pay off for it.
“You might find that at first when you start ignoring this behavior, your child back chats even more. But this won’t last long provided you keep ignoring it,” Waters and Kennedy say.
Give out Consequence
Waters and Kennedy also have a suggestion to curb children who answer back their parents to impress their friends – ban the child’s friends from visiting until the child learns to stop talking rudely. Implement the punishment for one week. Lift the ban only if the child successfully goes through the entire week without any back chatting incident.
Parents should not tolerate rude remarks from children. However, they shouldn’t react angrily to those remarks either. It’s best to calmly and clearly explain why rudeness is not okay. Setting time-out, ignoring the remarks and giving out suitable punishment may also be effective in curbing the unappealing behavior.
For more child behavior management tips, read also When a Child Steals, When a Child Lies and When a Child Swears.
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