Raising an Independent Child
How to Foster Independence When You're a Stay-at-Home Parent
Just because you can do everything for them, doesn't mean you should.
You’re home, you have time - you can make the kids’ beds. You’re in the kitchen and near the frig - you can pour the milk. You do a better job of washing dishes - you should do the kitchen clean-up after meals.
That kind of parenting is typical in stay-at-home moms and dads who, because they have the time and the inclination, seem to do everything for their children.
But “doing it all” for your kids does them a disservice and skews the family dynamic, experts say.
When children have someone else arranging their affairs for them, and don’t have regular chores that contribute to the household, it stunts their ability to do for themselves and deprives them of a sense of independence and accomplishment, says Dr. Lesley Iwinski, a certified parenting instructor for the International Network for Children and Families.
“Instead of doing everything for them, we should be asking, ‘How can I help support you in what you’re trying to do?’ “ said Iwinski, in an interview April 27 in Lexington, Kentucky.
Iwinski compares the overly helpful parent to helping a chick break out of its eggshell, and helping a butterfly out of its cocoon. The act of coming out into the world gives them the skills they need to survive, and assistance can hurt them.
Iwinski suggests parents make a list of all the things they do for their children on a daily basis, from putting the straw into their juice box and making their lunch, to arranging everything they do to be paid for and scheduled.
“We don’t even think about it, we just do it,” she said.
Iwinski, one of INCAF’s instructors who offer parenting workshops throughout the world, suggests parents start early, allowing their children to contribute to household tasks and work independently on things they want to do.
- Start when they are very young. Sure, you can load the dishwasher better, faster and safer. But by having your young children help with housework, you’ll give them a sense of accomplishment and the pride of being part of a team.
“Little ones are so proud to be able to put the cereal on the bottom shelf, or put the milk away,” Iwinski said.
- When faced with a task, ask yourself, “Who owns this problem?” If it’s your child’s, decide if you want to allow him to handle the solution himself, offer assistance, or do it for him as a gift.
For instance, the problem of dirty clothes that need to be laundered is often handled by the stay-at-home parent, not because the kids can't do their own laundry, but because it's a parent's gift to a child.
- Remember that there is such a thing as “good pain,” Iwinski said. Many times parents want to shield their children from anything uncomfortable, stressful or painful, so they jump in to solve their problems.
“Growth sometimes involves pain and it’s not always going to hurt them to suffer some consequences,” she said.
- Let your children make mistakes. They’re part of normal life. “It’s necessary to make mistakes or we’d never learn to do things better,” Iwinski said. “If you deprive a child from making mistakes, you deprive him of becoming a better person.” Don't interfere when they spend their allowance savings on unwise purchases. The lesson they learn from it is worth the mistake.
- Take care of your own issues first. If you have obsessive-compulsive tendencies, if you’re a perfectionist, if you have irrational fears for your child, resolve them or at least know how to interpret how they affect your parenting, Iwinski said.
“Your job is to work yourself out of a job,” Iwinski said. When your children leave home as adults if they can function on their own, you’ll know you’ve done your job. “It’s your gift to their future relationships,” she said.
