Overcoming Guilt

When our ideals about parenthood clash with the realities of life, guilt is a common result.

Do you remember the excitement of waiting for your first child - of searching for the perfect name, making a space in your home, and reading books or attending classes to prepare for the baby's arrival? How soon after the baby's birth did you realize you were not prepared for parenthood? Competent parents aren't born alongside their children, but we seem to think parenting should come naturally. When reality doesn't match our expectations, we compound the burden with a load of guilt. Lay that load aside with the following suggestions:

1. Stop comparing yourself to other parents. Have you ever noticed that jealousy hurts both the envious and the envied? We never know what's going on behind the doors or in the hearts of those who seem to have it all together. There will always be some things other parents have a better handle on than we do. Competing with another parent makes us feel miserable and alienates the other parent. On the other hand, sincere admiration without resentment might lead to a mutually supportive relationship. You'll likely discover you're not the only parent with insecurities - and you may learn that some things you take for granted are challenging to the parents you admire.
2. Filter what you read in parenting books, magazines, and Web sites. It's easy to become overwhelmed by all the potentially helpful information available. But no book, magazine, or Web site is a one-size-fits-all, written-in-stone mandate for all parents. Try this: Look for advice about situations you're currently experiencing, and recognize any advice as a suggestion that may or may not work for you. If, as you're reading, you find yourself stressing over problems you didn't even know you had, stop reading! There's a fine line between gaining awareness of issues we can actually do something about (putting infants to sleep on their backs, for example) and scrambling to keep up with every new trend.
3. Catch yourself being good. You've probably heard this advice applied to your children. To promote better behavior, the wisdom goes, compliment your child when he does something right. While focusing on the negative is at best ineffective and may be counterproductive, well-directed praise enhances your child's sense of value and reinforces the behaviors you want to encourage. Make a conscious effort to compliment yourself on the parenting challenges you're handling well. You'll not only feel better about yourself as a parent; by reinforcing the behaviors you value, you may actually become more like the parent you want to be.
4. Commit to making one realistic change. Do you feel vaguely unsettled throughout the day, guilty for reasons you can't even articulate? Take 20 minutes to write down as many concrete guilt inducers as you can identify. Instead of generally dreading encounters with an extended family member, for example, try to pinpoint reasons for your discomfort (e.g., the items in your pantry, your decision about schooling your children). When you've completed your list, cross out items you can't change and items you won't change (your school choice might be in the latter category). Review your list again and cross out items you're unlikely to change anytime soon. For example, it might be possible for a work-at-home parent to work only when the kids are asleep, but it may not be feasible. Finally, choose one of the remaining items and determine a specific, attainable change you can make in that area. Now instead of obsessing over every aspect of meal preparation, you've committed to serving a vegetable with every meal. Or instead of lamenting the time you spend on household tasks or other work, you've set aside a block of time each day for playing with your child. Focus on a single change, and let go of the other items on your list for now.
5. Find acceptable ways to "cheat" on the hard days. Anticipate that your best intentions will go awry, and determine in advance what you'd consider an acceptable alternative. If you're a work-at-home parent, for example, you might strive to confine your work to a predetermined time slot. Instead of feeling like a failure when you end up working all afternoon to meet a deadline, have a Plan B. Maybe your kids can watch home movies while you're working overtime, or you can plan a special activity for the evening or next day. Similarly, if you're striving to serve more fresh vegetables, keep some canned veggies on hand and don't berate yourself for using them on busier days.

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