Marriage Advice for Moms and Dads
Building a Relationship When You're a Stay-at-Home Parent
Jan 16, 2008
When you stay home with children and your spouse works, you're often at opposite ends of a spectrum - in income, responsibilities, and division of labor. With all of your responsibilities with the kids, the home and the family, maintaining and building a strong marriage sometimes can take a back seat.
When one spouse stays home, there are specific problems that arise in a marriage: You’re no longer on equal footing. One of you is making most or all of the income and one of you is doing most or all of the work around the house. Creating a workable balance in a marriage requires some effort, marriage experts say.
Make Marriage a Partnership
Author and TV show host Dr. Phil McGraw, on his Dr. Phil Web site, says couples need to see their relationship as a partnership, not an employer-employee relationship. They need to see things from their spouses’ perspective. “What is it like for your partner to ask for money? What is it like to be responsible for all the bills?”
He recommends couples renegotiate their arrangements if it isn’t working. “Don’t build resentment toward a partner who is not outside of the home making money if that was something you agreed to.”
The Unselfish Marriage
Marriage experts say the key to a long and happy relationship is to put your spouse first in your life.
But can you do that – and should you do that – while your children are young and need to be at the top of your priorities?
Yes, says Dr. Ellen Kreidman, relationship expert and author whose Web site, LightYourFire.com offers an alternative to marriage counseling.
“The best gift you can ever give your children is a loving relationship with your mate,” Kreidman said in an email interview Nov. 28. “The happiest, most well-adjusted children come from a home where mommy and daddy love each other.”
Dr. Kreidman is the author of the programs “Light His Fire: How to Keep a Man Hopelessly and Passionately in Love With You” and “Light Her Fire: How to Ignite Passion and Excitement in the Woman You Love.”
Her marriage advice includes 10 things any and every couple should do to maintain a great relationship.
How to Maintain a Great Marriage
- A 10-second kiss every day. "A peck on the cheek says, 'I love you,’ but a 10-second kiss says, ‘I’m still in love with you!’”
- A 20-second hug every day. It takes five seconds to block out all distractions and another 15 to exchange loving energy with one another.
- A 5-second compliment every day. At the end of the day ask yourself, ‘Did I make my mate feel good today?’ If not, you owe your mate two compliments the next day.
- 30 minutes of dialogue every day. You need to spend a half-hour of uninterrupted time talking to each other. “If you don’t, the days become weeks, and weeks become months, and before you know it, you’re sitting across from a stranger thinking, ‘I don’t know you!’” Kreidman says.
- Date night once a week. It doesn’t matter where you go as long as it’s just the two of you.
- Schedule intimate time together on the calendar. We put doctor, dentist and car maintenance appointments on our calendars. We need to do the same for the person who means the most to us.
- Do something spontaneous every six months. Bring out the little boy or little girl in yourself and your spouse. The man or woman who knows how to be playful is a joy in someone’s life.
- Every three months schedule an overnight stay at a hotel. Take a mini-honeymoon four times a year. Checking into an inexpensive get-away hotel will renew your mind, body and spirit and give you more energy to spend with the kids when you return.
- Take a week’s vacation once a year. Arrange with a friend to exchange babysitting. Be creative and you won’t have to spend a lot of money. Send the kids off and stay home, have breakfast in bed, and pretend you’re in a resort. Or go camping. The location isn’t important; just connect and fortify your relationship.
- Make a Do Not Disturb sign for your door. Explain to your children that mommy and daddy need time alone. Help the kids make signs for their doors as well.
The effort is nominal and the rewards reach beyond a happy marriage, Dr. Kreidman says; they make a happy family.
