Fighting Fair When Children are Around
How Parents can Argue Positively in Front of Kids
Aug 11, 2009
While it’s best not to fight in children’s presence, sometimes an argument cannot be prevented. When that happens, parents should do their best to argue positively in front of their kids.
Yes, it’s easier said than done. But if parents consciously keep this in mind, their verbal sparring can serve as lessons not only for themselves but their children as well. Here are some useful tips for fighting fair when children are around.
Parents State Issue Clearly
When parents fight, they should point out the issue clearly, say Gail Reichlin and Caroline Winkler, co-authors of The Pocket Parent [Workman Publishing, 2001]. “State the problem, using neutral language, without attacking the spouse’s character. General criticisms and put-downs are not helpful,” they write. Also, the couple should stick to the current issue and ask for each other’s suggestions for a solution to the problem. Don’t bring out the past. It only worsens the situation.
Couples Avoid Swearing and Name-calling
In the heat of a confrontation, it’s easy to forget that kids can hear everything. However, do make the effort to avoid swearing, name-calling and using obscenities. Children are very clever and can use that against their parents later on. Staying calm but assertive during an argument is an example of fighting fair when children are around.
Be Honest to Kids About Parents Fighting
If children ask their parents if there is a problem when they quarrel, be honest about it. Children will get anxious and become upset if told that nothing is wrong when they themselves can feel the tension between their parents.
“This can deny kids the opportunity to learn that everyone must work at resolving problems,” insist Reichlin and Winkler. To overcome this dilemma, admit that Mum and Dad are having a disagreement but assure them that Mum and Dad will work things out. Keep the explanation simple. This reassurance will bring back some sense of security and comfort to the children.
Couples Apologize to Each Other After Conflict
After fighting in front of the kids, apologize to each other and make up in front of them as well. Let them know that the fight is over and all is well again. This demonstrates that while parents do argue from time to time, they still respect each other and will work towards finding a solution to the problem. Not only is this reassuring to the kids, it also shows them the positive way of managing and ending conflicts.
If an argument cannot be avoided when children are around, use some fighting fair techniques. Try and learn to argue positively in front of kids by stating the problem clearly, remaining calm, avoiding obscenities and name-calling, being honest to kids about the conflict and apologizing to each other after the quarrel.
Found this article useful? Read also Avoiding Fights in Front of Children, Co-parenting and Sharing Childcare Duties and Tips for Successful Co-parenting.
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