Depression and Stay-at-Home Moms: Are You Depressed at Home with Your Children?

For some women, it's a dream come true - spending all day, every day with their children and being a full-time parent.

For others, leaving a career to take care of the kids can trigger serious strikes against self-esteem and lead to depression.

Many stay-at-home mothers may be depressed, but either don't know how to get help or don't want to take emotional responsibility for themselves, says Lana Ackaway, a certified psychoanalyst and clinical social worker in New York City and through 4Therapy.com.

Depressive disorders can make one feel exhausted, worthless, helpless and hopeless. Such negative thoughts and feelings make some people feel like giving up.

"It is important to realize that these negative views are part of the depression and typically do not accurately reflect the actual circumstances," Ackaway said.

A woman who already has problems with self-esteem, independence, autonomy, competition and commitment may have trouble with the added burden of not working and being at home with children.

"The change needs to be felt, experienced and the person must psychically adjust,” Ackaway said. “These feelings and experiences need to be integrated in the psyche over time."

Depression shows up in different forms in different people, Ackaway suggested in an email interview June 15.

“Some people cry a lot and feel sad. Others seem angry, irritable or anxious,” she said. “For others, depression shows itself in vague physical problems like constipation, muscle aches and headaches.”

It’s important that you realize that depression is not a “phase” or just a bad mood.

Sometimes depression can be triggered by a change in lifestyle, Ackaway says. If you’re a new mother, a newlywed or you’ve recently relocated or given up your career to stay home with your children, be aware of potential signs of depression.

While it may not go away on its own, there are some things you can do to to help your recovery:

Therapies such as interpersonal therapies, which focus on the patient's relationships that may be causing or exacerbating the depression, and cognitive/behavioral therapies, which help the patient change the negative styles of thinking and behaving that are often associated with depression, are often effective.

Psychodynamic therapies, which have now shown positive results in new research studies, focus on resolving the patient's conflicted feelings.

"It's work, but it can be sustained and it's not a Band-Aid," said Ackaway, adding that 90 percent of her patients are treated without medication.

Ackaway suggests finding a therapist through recommendations from people you know who have had positive experience with a well-trained, licensed psychotherapist. Other sources may be universities, medical schools, community mental health centers, or an online resource such as 4Therapy.com or psychologytoday.com.

Jan 22, 2009 9:47 PM

Guest :

Easy solution - don't stay at home! Why the hell would you quit your job just because you're a woman and have a kid? If you like your job, KEEP DOING IT!

Jan 30, 2009 6:48 PM

Guest :

what if you cannot find a job especially today....? What if you would love to go to work every day but just cannot find a job again?

Feb 3, 2009 1:02 PM

Guest :

Dear "Easy solution", lots of mothers stay home with young children because they believe they (or their husbands) can provide the best start for their children, not because it is their dream job. That's why many stay-at-home moms need help coping, not just advice to run away from their responsibilites.

Feb 9, 2009 11:32 PM

Guest :

Dear Easy Solution - The alternative to staying at home is to place my toddler in daycare for 6-8 hours a day. That is neither an easy solution nor the best solution. A better "solution" would be for American culture to value the stay-at-home parent's effort and commitment to raising their own child and acknowledge the stress and loneliness that come with being a stay-at-home parent. There is no easy solution.

Feb 18, 2009 6:16 AM

Guest :

Dear, Dear Easy Solution,

I couldn't agree with you more! I've been told over and over that it is a luxury to stay at home with my kids. I think the US is becoming a sad place if people really think that is true. I think it is a sacrifice, but I am at war with two families - my in-laws who think I'm living in the lap of luxury and my parents who would die! if they thought their grandson was in daycare. I gave a jobs in the fashion and film industry to stay home with my baby who is one year old and was a two month preemie and I have another on the way! At least once a week, if not every day, I grapple with feeling very lonely - I have a genius IQ two points less than Einstein. And I resent not being able to at least feed my mind for more than short spurts - two hours at a time. But I can't bring myself to put my very happy, well adjusted, very eager to learn child in a day-care where he possibly be stifled - he is very self-sufficient. We can't afford to have a baby-sitter twice a week. . . So here I am. . . I've launched a small luxury linens business and i"m working on a novel, the problem is there isn't enough outside recognition and support to keep me feeling sane and worthwhile. Then I sink into a depression. Maybe I should start a free website to talk about this topic. . . it is soo common and I think will become even more prominent in the years to come with the recession.

Feb 24, 2009 12:36 PM

Guest :

I agree. It is probably more common than we realize and because other stay at home moms are overwhelmed and embarassed to admit it, than you can't even help each other. Being at home with kids is exhausting and undervalued. Just because you stay home people assume you "don't work". Being at home with small children 24/7 is the hardest work you will ever do... especially because you don't get coffee breaks or adult conversation or leisurely lunches. You don't even hardly get time to yourself to pee or shower and with a spouse who doesn't value this work, it's even harder. Depression is definitely a side effect of the isolation and under appreciation, even though you love your kids dearly.

Mar 5, 2009 12:08 PM

Guest :

I'm a SAHM as well and have experienced mild depression during these few years at home. When my daughter is at school and I have time to get things done, I don't feel as bad. Or, if it's a weekend or a day when my husband's off, I feel great. It comes and goes. Maybe more a case of the "blues". I enjoy the time with my daughter, but still feel a need to do something differently, like work part-time. Problem is, I'm a certified teacher and here it's full time or nothing. I also have a husband who says he is glad I'm home caring for our child, but yet is counting down the days until I go back to f/t work. He also freaks when everything isn't "perfect" when he comes home at night. I work my butt off getting things done and I'm sorry, but sometimes it doesn't all get finished! What are we, in the 50's? I also work 1 day a week, which is actually a nice change for me. I think once my daughter goes to Pre-K in the fall, I won't have such this "guilt" feeling about working. I never wanted to put her in daycare b/c I wanted to be her primary and best caregiver. I think the pressure is coming from my husband?? And, he expects us to really stay home and not run around shopping too much. But, my point is, I too have suffered from SAHM depression. People definitely think (especially my husband!!!) that we live in the lap of luxury staying home on these "leisurely" days. I think if I had his support it would be much better. He does not think it's a hard job and definitely doesn't understand that someone would become depressed at times. He says he is happy with me staying home and we can afford it, but deep down his passive agressive comments and actions make me know different. Thanks for sharing your experiences as well.

Mar 5, 2009 12:26 PM

Diane Laney Fitzpatrick :

From my experience, a lot of husbands want their wives to stay home, take care of their children, keep their house nice and be happy doing it. Who wouldn't want that? My sister used to say she envied men, because they got to go full steam ahead on a fulfilling career path and yet still know that their kids were being taken care of, because their wives were at home doing it. I think it's important that if you feel even slightly depressed about your situation at home, let your husband know that staying at home is not the lap of luxury many men think it is.

Mar 17, 2009 7:13 AM

Guest :

I am a SAHM of school age children. My husband works very long hrs. We do not live near family to shuffle the kids to activities around after school. I worked before the children and the move.I learned to embrace being at home and I enjoy my financial and personal time. I just found out my husband has and has ended and 4 month affair. Needless to say I am devasted. I am not scared of a divorce I would be fine. I feel sad for my children. I think my husband wants to stay together. But I feel I have given so much up.

Mar 19, 2009 12:53 PM

Guest :

You can let your hubby know that it is not a lap of luxury but I don't think they will believe you. I am an at-home mom with a 2.5 year old and a 1 year old and I feel I should be happy but I find myself sad for no reason. I can't go to sleep and when I do, I can't wake up. My second child is very demanding; she kept me up for 10 months all night and my toddler kept me up all day. It is always time to do something, feed them, change them, bathe them, and do it all over again. It is 24 hours. At work, you leave your work at work. You can make your hours. Being a mom, you have no options - especially when you don't have family to help.
I always thought I would enjoy staying home too with my kids but I am bored, tired, and sad. I don't enjoy the things I used to like working out; it all feels like chores. I feel like I am at my kids' and husband's beck and call and what about me? It might sound selfish to some and I do have guilt for feeling this way...after all my husband is providing for all of us.
I don't know what else to do but to try and enjoy right now because before I know it, they will be four years old and I will be back to work but there are days I miss working and I miss the control.
With babies and toddlers, there is no control because they do whatever they want because they don't understand. The other day I had just finished cleaning and I walk in their room, and my kids has written all over their room. It was the most depressing feeling. If it's not one thing, it's another. You feel hopeless because it never ends. There is no break. By the time I am finished writing this, I will have to do something again. I feel like a slave. Some people can afford to go to work but for us, it is better for me to stay home. I do believe it is better for them. I spend time with them teaching them shapes, alphabet, counting, etc., and they have learned so much. They don't get sick and I take them to the park for recreation. I try to be a good mom but I think I just need something for me to make me happy but I can't seem to find out what it is. I do school on line. I just think I am very tired and I have no relief. Good luck to the moms out there and for others, if you haven't been in our shoes, you just can't really understand what it is like.

May 1, 2009 12:36 PM

Guest :

I am so relieved to read what I have read. I too am feeling bored, anxious, overwhelming sad and guilt for feeling all of these emotions. I love my baby. I imagined this time in my life for my entire life. I worked in my career for 12 years before I left to have a baby and stay at home with my baby. It is hard! Not a little hard but big time hard. I am a middle school teacher, have had a successful practice in education with middle school students (children people fear most of the time due to hormonal changes). My days in my career were cake compared to this. I never knew what I didnt know and now I find myself truly confused. I want to enjoy this time and cherish these moments but saddness is my filter for everything right now and staying home to provide a loving environment has been confusing for me.

May 2, 2009 6:33 PM

Guest :

Many articles and people say to get a hobby, and list certain things to do. My frustration aside from being lonely while hubby works 3-11 is that the baby disrupts my hobby or activity, causing me to be more flustered. Not only am I lonely, I can't be bothered taking up an activity because every time i get into it one of the babies wakes up early from their nap, or they won't settle to bed when i'm anticipating an activity. It just adds more stress to have your hopes up about doing something, looking forward to doing something, and it's squashed by the very reason why you need the activity -- the baby! I love my babies, I love my husband, and they all love me, but wow some days i dread getting up to repeat the process

May 6, 2009 10:20 AM

Guest :

I thought I was the only parent feeling this way! I havent worked in 7 years, I'm a SAHM to 4 little boys, aged 10, 8, 7 and 5. The three older boys are in school fulltime, my youngest goes a few days a week to JK. I WANT to go to work so bad it hurts, I need money to pay the bills, rent, food etc, but since summer vacation is almost here for the kids, I cant afford to put them in daycare. I am also a single mom which doesnt help, their father ducked out on the court order to pay child support and is over $20K in arrears. So it is real tough for me, my mother died a few years ago, I live in a small town hours away from family/friends, and I dont get any time to myself other than the few days a week my boys are at school, and even then, its to do the dishes, cleaning, sweeping and laundry. Its exhausting and I have absolutely no pride/pleasure in any of it anymore. I would love to be able to get a job, but with childcare expenses, only high school education, and not much work experience from having my kids when I was young, I can only get a minimum wage job, and that wouldnt even cover half of my outgoing expenses. I feel for you all, and I know exactly how you all feel, it is depressing, and it is so hard at times.

May 12, 2009 11:31 PM

Guest :

It's 2 AM, and I can't sleep. I feel angry, sad, depressed, and lonely. I, too, am a SAHM. My daughter is 18 months old. I was the one who said, "I'll never stop working, I love my career." Well, after four months of maternity leave, I went back to work and felt much different. I felt I was perceived differently for having a child, and I felt torn between my daughter and my job. I cried every time I took my daughter to daycare. I cried at work. I struggled everyday and felt trapped to stay working by my husband, whom once said he wanted me to stay home. When I contemplated that option, he felt anxious about losing my salary which was slightly higher than his. I felt I was spiraling down and was placed out on disability by my doctor. The same day we put our house up for sale, knowing we could not afford it without my salary. Our house sold in one week....and about 6 weeks later we moved in with my parents while we continued to look for a house we could afford on one salary. 3 months later we found a house and 2 months after that we moved it (an old fixer upper).

One month after moving, to make ends meet, I began to watch my 22 month old niece for my sister. Unfortunately, I feel neither appreciated by my sister, brother-in-law or my husband for taking care of the kids. Money is so tight and my career as a consulting manager is gone. I used to feel so proud of my career. I should feel proud of taking care of my the kids, but I feel confused and exhausted. One day I was sick with a fever and sinus infection and no one could take the day off from work. Everyone said they cared, but no one helped me. My "new" job is thankless, 24/7. And, the only one who appreciates it is my daughter. I love her dearly, and my niece as well.

My husband and I also seemed to have lost some spark in our marriage through all of this turmoil. I tried to get some freelance work from my old boss, but none has come through. I toyed with the idea of starting my own business and working part-time and hiring employees to assist with the workload, but am afraid I will again become torn between motherhood and that business.

It seems there is no ideal answer or option. Work full-time and be judged by work as "the one with kids whose priority is no longer work" (however much work I may do) OR stay home and be judged as the one living the "dream" of being a full-time SAHM with no reason to complain because all I do is "play with the kids all day."

May 14, 2009 10:00 AM

Guest :

I'm glad I found this article. I to am a SAHM. I was a manager in a auto parts store for years. Bossing around men all day, I felt purpose. Then after my 3 child, my husband and I thought I should stay home. For the first couple of months I was juggling everything fine. Now after 3 years I find myself swirling downwards. I feel like I'm stuck in the movie ground hog day. Everyday is the same. We have to pinch money so much that I don't even go out. My minnivan sits there in the driveway all day. My kids are 3,4, and 8. I'm dreading summer, all three kids home all day and no relief. I find myself yelling at my husband because all he does is come home and go strait to his workshop. No help. Then when I finally get to sit down in the evenings with him and relax. I'm greeted by him snoring. Does it ever get better? I've been staying at home since I was 23 and even though its only been 3 years I feel like i'm 60.

May 16, 2009 7:43 AM

Guest :

hi,
I am glad I am not the only one feeling this way.
I too gave up my law practice to take care of my son who is now almost 2.It wasn't that bad as I had a part time job. However, end last year i got pregnant with my second one and resigned from the part time job. Been home 24/7 taking care of my son since and things have never been the same or more depressing.
My husband goes to work and I am left home without a car! Being stuck at home and having nowhere to go and no means to travel makes me depressed and angry at myself and when my husband returns from work i lash out at him.
Things get worse when he goes out for his night with his friends after work and i am at home slaving!!!
Having had enough...i finally made a decision which i dont know is the right one or not. I am moving in with my mother in law once my 2nd one is born and am returning to work after baby is 6 mths. My in laws offered to take care of my kids while i am at work.
Is this a right decision? I guess i have to wait and see. The guilty feeling is setting in having the thought of leaving my kids behind and going to work...Am i being selfish taking care of my needs first?
I am fed up of being dependent and i want to stop taking out my frustration on my son which i now do all the time! I totally understand the feelings that a SAHM goes through and I hope we all can find a solution!

May 27, 2009 1:41 PM

Guest :

I am a SAHM to 2 kids, ages 3 1/2 and 17 mo. I am due with #3 in October. While I do like being home with my kids and am fortunate enough to live in a city with lots to do, I still feel depressed. Mostly it is because my husband is ALWAYS on my case. It's not enough that I take care of the kids, cook, clean, grocery shop, do laundry, work in the yard, etc. He's an engineer and always wants to know why I'm not doing more, why I'm not more efficient. Don't get me wrong-he works hard too, with work itself, keeping up the yard, running errands, and taking the kids on occasion. But his requests of me are endless, it's not enough that I cook a dinner. He wants to know how many calories are in it, what it costs per person to make it, how much time I spent on it, and why can't I do it better? He has implored me to help in the yard because he is too frugal to hire a service. Now that I am helping, it's "well, I know you weeded, but what about pruning? What about this and what about that? why can't you do more?" Or even if the house is vacuumed and clutter free, then it's "well, the microwave is dirty, there are cobwebs in the ceiling, why isn't the hall closet organized?" All I ever hear is how tired he is because he has to "do it all". At the end of every day (and all of his ragging on me) he wants me to give him lots of extra special attention (sex etc) because he has done so much for our family. If I say no, I hear endless whining. Of course he never reciprocates.
This wouldn't be a half bad gig if he'd recognize that I already work very hard. My oldest is a handful himself-I do my best!

May 29, 2009 8:46 PM

Guest :

Thank you all for being so open about this subject. Today was the final straw and I felt like I was gonna crack. I finally decided to cook or clean when I feel depressed instead of over eating, we'll see how it goes. I am feeling so unappreciated and unloved that i've got a stomach ache. I realized today thats its real depression not the kind we joke about while eating comfort food and chit chatting on the phone. I was only attributing it to my husband until I found this site and I realized it was when I quit working and opened a daycare that i began feeling this way thank you I now understand that problem.

Jun 1, 2009 9:00 AM

Guest :

the decision to stay at home after having a 2nd child was because I was going to find myself doing too much...already busy with my older child's schedule and homework. having to come home from work, picking up children at daycare & after school care around 6pm (which i find horrible to have the kids stay this long), cooking, cleaning, errands and everything else, which i can go on and on. so i am happy to be able to take care of the kids but i am expected to be "perfect" in everything else at home, and on top of that not being valued for it and constantly being put down. how can i not feel depressed.

Jun 1, 2009 2:37 PM

Guest :

I am a SAHM too. I feel the same as all of you and am going back on Prozac. It definitely helps. I'm trying to go to school also, and I'm failing miserably and I'm at the end. Not too mention, I'm so scared to go back to work. Pretty much I'm extremely smart but I feel stupid all the time, forgetting things, using the wrong words like became instead of because. I feel like a mumbling idiot. The thing is I know it's not me. To reply to the last person who commented. I do feel like it is somewhat the father's fault. They just go about their business ignoring us and yelling at us when they should be supporting us and and telling us how beautiful we are and how much we mean to them for staying home. As far as I'm concerned, they should take us out on a date once a week and give us flowers all the time. One thing I know, is that when I do get better, I'm leaving my husband. I'm staying in the same city as him, so my son can see his father, but I've learned that I deserve better than this. We support our husbands when they go through mid-life crisis or when they feel insecure at their jobs. They never have the emotional means to support us. I would just like to hear, "Honey, I'm worried about you! This isn't good for you! I'll go with you!". Not to mention, they should help out. I have the same problem with my husband coming home and falling asleep. We hardly ever have sex. It's ridiculous! Talk about a way not to make your stay at home wife feel sexy. No wonder I'm depressed.

Jun 4, 2009 12:42 PM

Guest :

I have no idea how my mother did it -- 3 kids plus no car like another person here commented. I have been a SAHM for about 2 years now, and at first I was completely fine with some sad days here and there. But I feel like alot of others here do and have no idea what to do about it. I NEED HELP!!!
I feel like a failure, an awful wife ( I don't even feel like cleaning the house even though I can't stand the state it's in right now ) It's beautiful and sunny out but I don't want to go outside, the only reason I do go out is for my son. I don't like unexpected visitors coming over -- but yet I need friends. I only have one -- ONE damn friend and she's over 6 hours away! I feel like I have all these dreams, ambitions and goals and the only place they live is in my dreams and nightmares! I want more time with my husband alone but all he says is " he's worked so hard he's tired" I feel if he really felt the same way about me like he did when we were first going out, he would make an effort! I'm also bored and feel like an idiot, and I have nothing to contribute. Than you go onto sites, and ok fine I have depression but now what do I do about it???!!! I still don't feel better -- I feel all alone.... Where do I go, who do I see, what do I do???

Jun 6, 2009 11:34 AM

Diane Laney Fitzpatrick :

I feel for all of you. Wish I could reach out and give you all a hug.
I think it's extremely important for anyone who is feeling the least bit lousy about being at home alone with kids to get help NOW. Don't let anyone tell you you'll snap out of it, that it's normal, that it's nothing to be concerned about. It is normal, but that doesn't mean it doesn't warrant attention.
And don't be embarrassed to tell your doctor how you're feeling and get help, even if it's just talking to someone.
Your happiness is a top priority. You've heard the expression, "When mama ain't happy, nobody's happy?" It's true. Every single day you spend with your children can either be the greatest day for them and you, or just another day on the downslide.
We can't depend on our husbands to handle this problem for us. It's up to us to take care of it.
Please consider even joining a playgroup to talk to other stay-at-home moms, or join a support group. They're free and you can take your babies along with you.

Jun 23, 2009 5:41 PM

Guest :

You know not EVERYONE can make the money to offset the cost of childcare... Its an easy solution for one to say just go back to work, but when you have more than one child it gets complicated and EXPENSIVE!!!

Jun 29, 2009 7:43 PM

Guest :

I've looked everywhere for "the answer" - self-help books, the internet, the bible, my mother... why do I have to stay home with these kids? I think it really just comes down to instinct, like it's nature's design for baby to be with mom and that's why you feel guilty leaving them. So all I can do is take it one day at a time, not knowing how on earth I'll make it until my youngest gets into school and I can have a minute to myself. I fantasize about having my design career back, about having the free hands or motivation to bake or decorate for holidays, about smoking pot just so I can escape for a little while.
It does help when I remind myself that despite the fact that I have absolutely no help from my workaholic husband, I am thankful that he supports us and allows for me to stay home because that is what I want.
The next thing I plan to try it putting them both to bed at 8, regardless of how much crying goes on, because if I could just get an hour or so at the end of the day, it may keep me out of depression. And hopefully during that hour my husband will not want to have sex with me, because sadly that's just something else that someone needs from me.

Jul 8, 2009 9:33 AM

Guest :

Dear Easy Solution -

Quite frankly your solution is not always an option. I've been a SAHM for 7 years now. I have three children. I stopped working because my income after paying for the babysitter, parking and commute was all of 20.00/week. Simply not worth it. And now with two more children - where I live the cost of childcare would put me well over 1000.00/month and that is with two of them in school during the day. Not an option in this economy. You may think - well then cut back on other things. We dont' have cable or cell phones as it is - ther is nothign else to cut back on.

And even then it's jsut not something that many people understand. I CAN'T work outside of the home (disability) and truth ther eare days that I feel liek the world is crashing in on top of me. I dont' think it's somethign that any parent that does not stay home with their children ALL of the time will ever really understand.

Jul 9, 2009 7:41 AM

Guest :

I am a SAHM and experience the same frustrations, but I never resent my kids. my cousin, a fellow SAHM, once said to me, "some day you will miss these days". And she's right. The baby years go by so fast. my oldest is 3 1/2 and will be going to school full days soon. Why rush these moments? Believe me, it's tough at home, I am a college educated professional that used to make tons of money. I don't miss the money at all. I do miss my free time, but not at the cost of resenting my children. They are good, happy kids and deserve a happy mom. I found a friend in my cousin. We all need someone we can talk to.

Good luck to us all.

Jul 9, 2009 8:54 PM

Guest :

hello:) I think I am going through exactly the same thing. I have a 3 year old boy and a 3 months girl, no family around. My husband, works long hours to provide for us, and even with this bad economy he still manages to get us out of this country twice a year for vacation...Having said this, I do feel sad, overwhelmed, frustrated and depressed many times during each day. I try to remind myself to look at parents who absolutely have to work to meet the needs and have to put their kids in daycare all day long, and then they still have to take care of them after work...another thing that has been bugging me so much lately is the fact that financially, we are not building wealth, we are not building a solid financial future for our kids the way I know my parents did for me and my two sisters. This is something that sits in the bact of my mind...and I feel I need to do something about it by starting a business and working hard on it, while my husband keeps his stable job to make sure that we are not taking too much risk. Now, when I started looking into this in details...I realized that I can't go very far in this because taking care of my two kids doesn;t leave me with any free time to devote to such a big serious task...this realization made feel even more depressed...I feel I am in a small prison, the wall are so high that would be impossible for me to get out...

Jul 13, 2009 10:19 PM

Guest :

My mom was a stay at home in our home country and it involved alot of help from her sisters and cousins. I remember having many family members and even close family friends take care of me growing up. I loved it. I think that's the way nature intended it and the way it has been for thousands of years. We lived in tribes and clans at one time. When my family moved to the US, my mom had a very hard time without the support.

We need to start forgiving ourselves when we need help. It's okay to need help. This whole mom with her kids 24/7 notion is not very natural. Or healthy. Get the counseling, have a one on one talk (away from the kids) with your spouse to explain how you're feeling, whatever it takes, just get the help you need. Now rather than later. If you are not well, you cannot take care of anyone.

Personally, I am glad I read this. I haven't made the decision to be a full time SAHM but reading this, I realize I would feel the same eventually (I already do!) and need at keep at least a part time job for my sanitiy's sake.

Jul 13, 2009 11:47 PM

Guest :

Listen people/persons out there..I have been a homeschool mom/working mom off and on (on the working) for my last year this year & it is and alway's will be an issue with Society with the "concern" of a stay at home mom-no matter what the basis! Yes, it has been hard, yes I have been critized(no matter what angle) I have heard it all! It's hard! Now we have to worry about a recession?! Come on..Now..I can't Get a job!No matter the experience! People aren't hiring! So now I have no choice to stay home and make sure things get taken care of from home!As for an easy solution..There is no such thing! Trust me i understand
when it comes to "feeling" lonely with or with or without kid's!

Jul 21, 2009 7:15 PM

Guest :

I graduated law school ten years ago. I was "lucky" enough to work "part-time" from home with my first and second children (i.e., generally 35-40 hour weeks instead of 80). I am expecting my third in August and due to the economy, I have not worked at all this pregnancy. I am more relaxed, not as stressed as I was trying to juggle everything, and happy to be with my kids -- most days. But boy, let me tell you -- I can handle men in the boardroom, but my little three year old can make me lose my cool so fast! This is harder than anything I have ever tackled. More fulfilling, but definitely more difficult.
I find myself wishing I could work more -- I do miss talking to grown-ups so much. The isolation is terrible and, quite frankly, it is very difficult to make friends with other mommies. Once they hear I am an attorney, people just shy away. Normal reaction, I guess, but it still gets pretty lonely. Also, it is difficult to make plans as my kids are 18 months apart (2 and 3.5) and I am expecting another in a month. Someone is always sick, or needing something or the schedule is messed up and we cannot go at the last minute. I wish I had family near, but I don't and my husband works very long hours (an attorney, as well). I understand the long hours, I did it for years and he is wonderful when he is home. He does not criticize, he plays with the kids, he gives me a break, pays for a cleaning service, a babysitter here and there so I can get out of the house, etc. I am blessed.
I am just lonely and tired and I get to wondering how women in the 50s did it all. I guess they were brought up to expect this and were exposed to the pressures and obligations of raising kids. I wasn't. I was totally unprepared for all this, and I have had a hard time adjusting -- I mean working was stressful, and trying to balance both working and having kids was a guilt-ridden experience, but this is so EMOTIONALLY challenging. I wish everyone luck. I figure I will get "my life back" when the kids are older and to enjoy them now. Just remember, women CAN have it all -- just not all at the same time.

Jul 23, 2009 9:47 PM

Guest :

this is AMAZING - I can't believe all of you are being so honest. Finally, an honest post about how we really feel when the mean are at work & we are left w/ the day to day grind of poop, meals, more poop, kids disobeying it seems every 5 minutes, disciplining is frankly getting exhausting, sometimes I literally just ignore them (2 boys 3 & 4). my husband & I were never crazy in love. I think I married the "safe" guy since my dad cheated on my mom. So, basically, that makes the situation worse. I feel like it's all I can do to "get through" each day, I totally fantasize about working & my husband basically makes me feel like a loser mom for even thinking about it, & then at the end of the day when I need a shoulder to cry on or whatever, he is emotionally vacant & unavailable for me. is everyone in this situation???

Aug 9, 2009 9:59 PM

Guest :

It's nice to know that I am not the only one. I feel like such a jerk for having the feelings I have towards staying home. I've been home for nearly 6 years now, 2 children. It is a very lonely life for me most days. I've relocated on opposite sides of the world twice in the last 4 years. It's especially hard not being able to make any permanent friends, or have any family around. My husband thinks I'm a cry baby. He wishes he could "sit on his butt watching tv all day". Yet when I mention getting a job and putting the kids in daycare, he thinks that is a bad idea. I really just wish I had his support. He says I do, but he makes comments that tell me he doesn't respect me being home.
When we made the decision for me to stay home I just didn't realize how lonely it would be.

Aug 12, 2009 5:34 PM

Guest :

I have been a SAHM now for 17 months. I have 15 month old twins, and a 5 year old daughter who will NOT be attending Kindergarten this year. I am so stressed and depressed these days it's not even funny. Everyone assumes that it I just sit around and watch TV all day, like it's a piece of cake or something. It is so tiring, day after day. I have to listen to screaming, fit throwing, whining, all while my husband is at work. He doesn't get it either. I sit here all day long! I can't go to the park because we live upstairs and the twins are to little walk and I cant carry them both downstairs. I've tried working something out, but the complex wont let us move downstairs. He of course wants to come home and be lazy when he gets off and I want to leave, I want to go somewhere. Everyone thinks I'm being too emotional, I just don't know what to do.

Aug 18, 2009 10:18 AM

Guest :

I am also a SAHM. Have been on and off for 10 - 12 years. I have three children....18/16/8, the oldest two being girls. There have been times when i have worked outside the home, but every time I did my husband would whine that I wasn't home when he was off work so I would wind up quiting after a few months. For the most part I have been ok with staying at home. When my daughters were young I worked ALL the time ( owned a residential painting and remodeling company)and was NEVER home when my kids needed me. When I met husband #2 and he suggested I stay home for awhile and enjoy my daughters I was very excited! Then along came my son and by that time...I didn't want to stay home anymore. Two weeks ago I moved my oldest daughter into her college dorm. While I am so abundately proud of her, I have been soooo depressed!! I miss her so much! All I do is sit around and cry. I ask myself constantly what happened to MY life? Where did it all go? Who am I? What do I want to do with the rest of my life? What, if anything, is there even for me out there? I feel completely unappriciated, uncared for, taken advantage of, lonely, and down on myself. There is NEVER enough time for ME in my husbands life. I have no friends left, live 1000's of miles away from my sister, the only family I have left, my oldest daughter, the only person I am really close with, has moved on, my other children I feel some times don't even know I am here unless they want or need something, and where will I be when they are gone too? ALONE. What is a woman to do? I know I'm gald to hear that I am not the only one, but how can this be fixed? I love my kids with all my heart, but some times I wish I had stayed single and HAD to work. Maybe then I wouldn't feel so alone now. And don't even get me started on the house work and yard work. I do it ALL by myself! I even just had to repair my own washing machine, replaceing a part that had broken. When I say I do it all....I do mean ALL! Thanks for letting me vent, and for sharing your stories with me and everyone else in the same boat.

Aug 18, 2009 10:19 AM

Guest :

Aug 19, 2009 1:35 PM

Guest :

I wish there was a way we all could get together, then we wouldn't be so lonely.

I have been a WAHM for 1.5 years, I have a 2.5 year old and a 7 week old. When I quit my job (as a scientist) to stay home and moved to our family friendly neighborhood I thought it would be like when I was kid and my mom stayed at home. We used to go to the park with friends or visit the neighbors or go to the library, basically just get out and have some fun and human contact 2 or 3 times a week.

It's not like that at all.

I have given up my car to cut expenses, when my kids are asleep I'm working so I can go back to full time work once they're in school, I don't want to be around my kids at all, some days I barely interact with them beyond the physical necessities. When I was working, I would come home and play with my baby girl and enjoy every minute of it, I was a better mom.

So now I am stuck at home all day with a 2 year old who has become emotional and whiny and my new baby who cries continuously when awake (no exaggeration). I am 1200 miles from my nearest friends and 2000 miles from my nearest family. My husband is great but he can't fill that kind of gap. I don't want to let my family down so I pretend I've got everything under control but really I just want to run away.

Aug 20, 2009 3:02 PM

Guest :

Two Things:
1) To Easy Solution - I am wagering you are not a parent, otherwise you would know that there is no easy solution to anything related to being a parent; so be careful how you judge.

2) I am going to say it, sometimes being a stay at home parent SUCKS! Society has this pretty little picture of what it looks like to be the suburban stay at home Mom with the SUV and the perfect tidy home and the jogging stroller that you promptly use with your perfectly behaved child after you lovingly kiss your handsome husband off to work - reality check, this is not real life. We are bright, intelligent human beings who use to "contribute to society" that all the sudden have been dubbed unintelligent housewives that don't contribute anything. Well, we do. We are contributing to the care and education of future doctors, presidents, lawyers, educators, mechanics, city workers, nursers, and all the other people in our society that are necissary to make the world go round. Other CEO's get assistance and can delegate, but SAHM's are expected to do it all by themselves with no breaks and no sleep! And we wonder why we are burned out and depressed! Well, I don't wonder anymore, I just want to know how I can get out of this funk and become a normal human being again, if that should be possible. So, if there is anyone who can share things they have done in their lives that can help, I would love to hear any HELPFUL, non-judgmental advice you can offer on how to cope with being a stay at home parent and how to be a happy person again! Thank you.

Aug 22, 2009 6:43 PM

Guest :

I am ofcourse a SAHM for over 6 years now. I have a 5 and a 6 year old. My daughter who is the 6 year old was born 3 lbs 11 oz. So I decided that I would stay at home with her, when she was 7 months I found myself pregnant with my son. So that meant I would have 2 babies at the same time. Pampers, crying, teething, feeding at different times a night I am at home all day my husband works 10-11 hours daily and when he gets home when they were babies I got ABSOLUTELY NO HELP. He came home and eat, want to have sex ( and wonders why I do not) and go to sleep. Do not call to check on us during the day and when I call me to see if we are alright he just say ohh I do not have time to talk to you all day, you will want to talk for a while and I do not have the time, so it has been 6 years ans still the same nothing has changed, except when he wants some he call that day. Right now, I am ready to go. I have been looking for a job andd have to had any luck no one wants to hire a mom that has been out of work for 6 years. I am very dipressed oh yeah we moved away from everyone that we know so i am here by myself. So with no phone calls from my husband and no one that I could even begin to call friends or family. I am feeling very un appreciated. I think about leaving him, but it will crush my kids. I really do not know what to do.

Aug 24, 2009 12:46 PM

Guest :

I thought that my feelings were not normal. I feel like the worst mother in the world. Reading this helped me to understand my problem and I also realized that my feelings are common to SAHM. I gave up my career when I was pregnant with my second child, which was 6 years ago. I have been at home ever since. My feelings of depression kicked in post-pardom and have intensified ever since. I would say that my symptoms are at their absolute worst. I even secretely hate my kids, husband and my life sometimes. I feel sad to tears, angry, depressed, isolated, worthless, tired, hopeless and I am tired of staying at home with my kids! I cry behind my sunglasses on the way to every dance class and practice. I am going to try to get a job once school starts, but my self-esteem is SO low and I am afraid.

Aug 25, 2009 5:38 PM

Guest :

First of all, it's a shame the FIRST post had to be from "Easy Solution"...what a useless bit of advice!
This is such a difficult situation to be in. I always knew that when I had kids, I would stay at home with them as long as was financially possible because I couldn't bear to stick them in day care all day long. I've been a SAHM for 6 years, with a brief period working full time for a year when my first child was 2. It was HORRIBLE being away from her 10-12 hours a day and I feel like I missed out on so much. Now I'm home full time with her and my 2 year old but I feel so useless. I work my butt off all day and feel like nothing got accomplished. Sometimes I wonder why I worked so hard in school and got a degree, just to wipe butts and nag kids all day long. My husband tries to help, but he really has no clue and I end up having to do everything around the house myself anyway. And he thinks he did so much to help, it's annoying. We've grown apart, but I can't even think of leaving him because my girls love their daddy. No one really can understand this situation unless they've been in it. I try to enjoy my time with my children while they are small because I recognize it won't last forever, but the even scarier thought is "what am I going to do once they grow up?". I've been out of the game for so long already, and you can't exactly put Stay At Home Mom on your resume. I wonder, how did I get myself into this situation????

Sep 1, 2009 11:32 AM

Guest :

I am a first time SAHM. After working numerous years climbing the corporate ladder, I left to experience life as a SAHM. With kids in elementary and middle school the schedule got too hectic to do parenting and a demanding career justice. I realized I can't do it all and decided to take a breather and just try to be a good mom for a while. It's good to know I am not alone in the feelings of being a bit lost some days. Sure the way I imagined staying at home is not quite the same, but just being there for the kids is great. Seeing their smiling faces when they get off the bus. Being able to be at their games without having to take a vacation day. It's all worth it. Volunteering your time does help you stay in touch with adults and feel like you are still contributing. Join the PTO and get active at school, you'll find other moms with your same values and interests. I just keep reminding myself I only get one chance to raise my kids and the rest of my life to work - that always helps put everything back into the proper perspective.

Sep 9, 2009 9:11 PM

Guest :

Wow. I am so relieved to read what everyone else has to say. I have had so many breakdowns this week and am finally feeling like I cannot stay at home full time anymore. I had a great career and I gave it all up to stay at home with my baby but it is so hard! I did consulting work after I had her and it was a nice break from the day but the project ended and now every day is the same! We get bored, tired and depressed. Sometimes I feel like going back to work is the right answer but I cannot and will not do day care. No one ever said motherhood would be riddled with guilt. I love my girl so much but I am so torn!

Sep 23, 2009 3:14 PM

Guest :

I`m sooooo glad to read all of this, because now I realize that I`m not the only one. I`m from another country and they don`t feel like this there. Most of my friends are from my origin country and I don`t know anyone who stayed at home with their kids for more than 3 months. So, I`m the only one who is "diferent". I feel so lonely, stressed and depressed. I know that I need help, but I`m shy to ask for it. My husband work 11 hours a day, so when he gets home he is exhausted. Thank God he doesn`t ask me much about the housework. I wish I had someone like you guys to share our difficulties.

Oct 2, 2009 1:25 PM

Guest :

Im glad to see Im not the only one going thrue it. Whats worse for me is on top of being a stay home mom I have a husband that golfs and is on 3 soft ball teams in the summer and fall and plays x box live until 3 in the morning and NEVER helps with anything. Im lonely and soooo overwhelmed. I have dreams about going to college and being a nurse. When some one asks me my hobbies I cant awnser them, I dont know anymore. Every day is the same, I feel like I live for everyone else and please everyone 24/7. It's very hard emotionaly, espeacially when you depend on your husbands income. I feel worthless , THis is how I feel and my husabnd doesn tcare I havnt made any friends whree we live at least worth keeping. Maybe this will help someone out there to at least know they are not alone in this either....

Oct 2, 2009 1:27 PM

Guest :

Oct 15, 2009 2:09 AM

Guest :

I've been a SAHM for about two years now. I have three boys, my oldest just turned three five days ago. I also have a 16 month old and a 6 month old. WOW!! I feel as if I'm losing my mind it's a constant battle I'm fighting in my head and my husband definitly doesn't understand. I want for all the men that are so unappreciative to spend a few days completely alone with their kids. No work, no friends, nothing just their kids. They can't handle it but yet we're expected to do it all like "Supermoms" with no complaint. Never be affraid to talk to someone about how you're feeling expecially your OB. I am fortunate to have my mom who was a SAHM of 3 for 14 years with no transportation. Now has been a single SAHM since my 9 year old ADHD brother was born. Unfortunatly though it's not enough. Thanks for leaving your stories and comments it's nice to read other peoples thoughts and experiences on this issue. I love my kids more than life itself and being at home with my kids I just need help dealing with the depression because it only makes you feel worse. My house is horrific because I have no will, I feel like a lost soul trying to find my way out of this dark cloud. Don't ignore your feelings they won't go away they'll only get worse. Talk to your doctors and find out what your options are. We only have one shot at this life and the lives of our children don't waste it and don't except how you're feeling as just the way it is. Just keep pushing forward take care of yourself so that you can take care of your children. I'm struggling too but I will find a solution because I refuse to live my life like this.

Oct 21, 2009 6:59 AM

Guest :

Thank you, thank you, thank you for all of your posts. I am a SAHM to two girls ages 3 and 1. We live over 1500 miles from the closest family member...and over 8000 miles from my husband's family. We are alone. DH works long hours and is contemplating getting another MAster's Degree, which will mean even more time away from home. My 1 year old has recently been sick, and in the hospital, and I have not slept in days and days. I am sad , sick, depressed, and honestly, can;t stand to be around my children. I need a break, but feel guilty having to pay a babysitter to watch my kids while I am home. I take time to work out in the morning before DH goes to work (at 5 am) and for awhile that was going well, but now I am exhausted all the time. We have also moved 10 times since 2003. I feel so unstable, sick and tired of making new friends. I feel so lonely and honestly bored. I am losing my temper more often with my children, especially my three year old.

Oct 27, 2009 9:31 PM

Guest :

This posting was the best thing I read in the past 6 years. Finally I find people who won't think I'm a horrible person. My God, I see myself in pretty much every comment I've read here. In my case I count the days for my youngest(18 months) finally start going to school. My other two are already in school, they are five years old(twins). I love my toddler and she has a great personality, doesn't even cry much... My other two were a nightmare at this age, they were always crying and mostly simultaneously, specially at night. Honestly it kills me to think that I am here young, 31 years-old, my brain is still fresh, super productive, with so many ideas and that there is so much out there, so many people and so many places to meet and all I do is to cook and clean and scream. I do have some fun with my kids but there is usually way much more irritation than fun going on. I feel like I'm on a prison counting the days for freedom. My husband is from the Middle East and I'm from South America. My advice? Never marry someone with values too different than yours. When the passion from the beginning of the relationship slows down you'll have to deal with the real you plus the real him. And also raise kids together! My husband is a CTO, tell me about living with a workholic. And the only subject we can talk about without ending in a fight is 'Technology'. My God, 3 more years for my toddler to go to school- that's an eternity!!! I'll go insane. Recently I started drinking a little to help me giving motivation to clean the house, cook etc. I'm afraid to get addicted to it though. Anyway, if I figure out a solution for this life I'll let you all know. God bless :)

Oct 28, 2009 10:38 AM

Guest :