Depression and Stay-at-Home Moms
Are You Depressed at Home with Your Children?
How to you determine if you're simply bored with your role as stay-at-home parent, or if you're actually suffering from depression.
For some women, it's a dream come true - spending all day, every day with their children and being a full-time parent.
For others, leaving a career to take care of the kids can trigger serious strikes against self-esteem and lead to depression.
Many stay-at-home mothers may be depressed, but either don't know how to get help or don't want to take emotional responsibility for themselves, says Lana Ackaway, a certified psychoanalyst and clinical social worker in New York City and through 4Therapy.com.
Depressive disorders can make one feel exhausted, worthless, helpless and hopeless. Such negative thoughts and feelings make some people feel like giving up.
"It is important to realize that these negative views are part of the depression and typically do not accurately reflect the actual circumstances," Ackaway said.
A woman who already has problems with self-esteem, independence, autonomy, competition and commitment may have trouble with the added burden of not working and being at home with children.
"The change needs to be felt, experienced and the person must psychically adjust,” Ackaway said. “These feelings and experiences need to be integrated in the psyche over time."
Depression shows up in different forms in different people, Ackaway suggested in an email interview June 15.
“Some people cry a lot and feel sad. Others seem angry, irritable or anxious,” she said. “For others, depression shows itself in vague physical problems like constipation, muscle aches and headaches.”
She suggests asking yourself if any of the following statements are true:
- I feel sad or down most of the time.
- I've lost interest in the activities I used to enjoy.
- I feel tired almost every day.
- I have problems sleeping. I sleep too much or I'm staying awake at night.
- My appetite has changed. I'm not eating enough or I'm eating too much.
- I have trouble concentrating.
- My friends say I'm acting differently. I'm either anxious and restless or lethargic.
- I feel worthless or hopeless.
- I have frequent headaches, stomach problems, muscle pain or back problems.
- I find myself thinking a lot about dying.
If you find yourself in the above list, you may be suffering from depression.
It’s important that you realize that depression is not a “phase” or just a bad mood.
Sometimes depression can be triggered by a change in lifestyle, Ackaway says. If you’re a new mother, a newlywed or you’ve recently relocated or given up your career to stay home with your children, be aware of potential signs of depression.
While it may not go away on its own, there are some things you can do to to help your recovery:
- Set realistic goals and assume a reasonable amount of responsibility.
- Break large tasks into small ones and set some priorities. Do what you can, as you can.
- Try to confide in someone and be among others, if possible.
- Participate in activities that you can.
- Mild exercise, going to a movie, and participating in religious, social or other activities at times may help in the short term.
- Expect a gradual improvement in mood. Feeling better takes time. Don’t be discouraged if you don’t see a marked improvement quickly.
- Postpone major decisions. Discuss major change with a professional who can be objective.
- Ask for help. Let someone else help you.
- Get professional help.
Therapies such as interpersonal therapies, which focus on the patient's relationships that may be causing or exacerbating the depression, and cognitive/behavioral therapies, which help the patient change the negative styles of thinking and behaving that are often associated with depression, are often effective.
Psychodynamic therapies, which have now shown positive results in new research studies, focus on resolving the patient's conflicted feelings.
"It's work, but it can be sustained and it's not a Band-Aid," said Ackaway, adding that 90 percent of her patients are treated without medication.
Ackaway suggests finding a therapist through recommendations from people you know who have had positive experience with a well-trained, licensed psychotherapist. Other sources may be universities, medical schools, community mental health centers, or an online resource such as 4Therapy.com or psychologytoday.com.
