From time to time, even the most agreeable partners in a marriage will argue about something – money, kids, in-laws, or trivial things like fighting over a TV program. It is human nature to have bad moods now and then.
However, do spare children the yelling, swearing and insults hurled at each other. These can have damaging effects on their emotional well-being. Avoiding fights in front of children is something all parents should practice. Here are some tips on how to avoid arguing in kids’ presence.
Parents Keep Arguments in Private
Sense a big fight brewing with the spouse? If it can’t wait, keep the arguments in private behind closed doors. This is particularly important if the parents are having strong disagreements about the kids.
While it’s okay for the children to know that Mum and Dad have some kind of disagreement, they don’t need to know the details about them that trigger the disagreement in the first place, say Sandra Hardin, author of Parenting for Dummies [Hungry Minds, 2002]. “They’ll use the information against you both later on if they’re old enough to understand what you’re saying,” she explains.
Have Time-out to Cool off Anger With Spouse
A wife who feels really angry with her husband can also have a time-out before a big argument explodes in front of the kids. Pick a time to talk about the subject again when both partners can be alone. The cooling off period is useful as it helps both partners to calm down and gather their thoughts before continuing their earlier discussion.
Partners Resist Blaming Each Other
All too often, a fight will start with each spouse blaming the other about something that has gone wrong. To prevent the disagreement from escalating into a full-scale fight, couples should resist blaming each other. The focus should be on the problem, say Gail Reichlin and Caroline Winkler, co-authors of The Pocket Parent [Workman Publishing, 2001].
“Instead of giving your child the impression that problems are always someone else’s fault, say ‘I hear you, but I don’t agree. How can we work this out?’ This approach helps kids understand the value of negotiation too,” they write.
Parents Allow for Personal Differences to Avoid Fighting
Couples also fight because they have different ways and views of doing things. Reichlin and Winkler write that couples should minimize fighting by realizing that it’s unnecessary for one partner to do exactly the way that the other does, although it is good to have the same united front on major issues like discipline and good manners. Allow for personal differences to avoid fighting. This helps children to adjust to the different approaches of different people as well.
Write Notes to Each Other
Sometimes, putting down thoughts and arguments in written words is more effective than loud verbal sparring. Write notes to each other. Not only can the partners truly see each other’s points of views without interruptions, they also don’t have to involve the kids when notes are exchanged.
When parents fight, it can be a frightening experience for children. Ideally, don’t involve them in any argument. Avoid fighting in front of kids as much as possible. This can be achieved by keeping arguments in private, having time-outs to cool off when angry with the spouse, resisting blaming each other, allowing for personal differences and writing notes to each other.
Found this article useful? Read also Co-parenting and Sharing Childcare Duties, Fighting Fair When Children are Around and Tips for Successful Co-parenting.
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